The Babylon Bee Presents: Read the Cheesecake Factory Menu in a Yearly Plan

It’s a big book, but reading it is an important part of our spiritual walk. From morning devotions to deeper study, everyone should set aside some time in their day to open this sacred book and spend time in serious reflection and devotion.

We are of course talking about the Cheesecake Factory menu. And the best way to read the menu is to have a plan.

Here’s how to read the Cheesecake Factory menu in just one year.

The main thing is to spend 15 minutes a day on the sections indicated for each month. If you follow this plan, you should be done by December 31.

January – Table of contents, introduction and foreword – You’ll have to do your own thing, but you should be able to finish this by the end of January. You are off to a good start!

February – Small Plates, Snacks & Appetizers – Take the time to peruse the 78 salad options, Korean-style fried cauliflower, and seven pages of stuffed mushroom varieties.

March – Salads, Flatbread Pizzas & Lunch – This is where most people give up reading their Cheesecake Factory menu. Hang on! We know 200 pages of flatbread pizzas can be tough, but it gets easier once you get to Cheesecake’s Hallowed New Testament in the fall.

April – Specialties & Pasta – So many kinds of pasta. If you miss a few days here or there, it doesn’t matter! Just read 30 minutes of pasta pages the next day.

May – Fish, Seafood & Steaks – How many ways are there to prepare shrimp, anyway? The Holy Book of Seafood Chapter 119 is the longest book in the Holy Menu, but it is so powerful.

June – Glamburgers® & Sandwiches – Yes, it’s mostly burgers and BLTs. But with careful exposition, verse by verse, you will get so many spiritual applications from this book. What is the Grilled Chicken and Avocado Club? your life?

July – SkinnyLicious® – This book is considered apocryphal by Baptists. But you should read it anyway for completion’s sake.

August – Breakfast & Brunch – You’ve been through the intertestamental period and you love breakfast and brunch! It’s smooth sailing from now on. Don’t let your eyes linger too long on the various mimosas.

September – Kids, Sides & Extras – Let the little kids come to Cheesecake Factory, as it will be filled with grilled salmon, grilled chicken, and 92 different dessert options.

October – Cheesecakes & Desserts – Ah, now we’re into the good stuff. Some pastors have spent their entire ministry preaching through cheesecakes, although Chapter 9 of Cheesecakes has sparked much theological debate. Do we choose the type of cheesecake we want or does the cheesecake choose us?

November – Drinks – The various small epistles of Drinks are quite edifying. Many Southern Baptist churches preach exclusively on the Epistle of Sweet Tea. Continue like that! You’re almost there!

December – From the Bar – This prophetic book tells us about the apocalypse. There are also very good lemon martinis and Ballast Point beers.

You did it! You’ve read the Cheesecake Factory menu in a year! You’re way more spiritual than all those Applebees false believers with their false revelations from heaven.

Go yourself!

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its very first pregnant male doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have fun in all ways with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever gender neutral toys are sold.

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